The Dynamic Self: Growth, Authenticity, Empathy, and Self-Coaching

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“I need to control myself.” This simple statement raises a profound question: Who is the “I” that needs to control, and what is the “myself” that needs to be controlled? How can someone be one and the same, yet appear to be made up of many different parts? This confusion shows up not only in language, but also in our thinking about the self. Think of terms like “self-coaching” or “self-compassion.” Who is coaching whom? Who is showing compassion, and to whom? This raises the question: What is the true self? In this article, we’ll look at three key theories that help us better understand the self: mindset theory, self-determination theory (SDT), and Douglas Hofstadter’s idea of ​​the self as a “strange loop.” 

The Self in Mindset Theory: Growth or Fixed?

Carol Dweck's mindset theory focuses on the beliefs people have about their own abilities and traits. According to Dweck, the self is formed around these beliefs, and this influences how a person approaches challenges and copes with setbacks. People with a growth mindset believe that their abilities and traits can develop through effort and learning. For them, the self is dynamic and constantly evolving. They see challenges as opportunities to grow and learn, and as a result, their self-concept continues to evolve.

In contrast, people with a fixed mindset see their abilities and characteristics as fixed. For them, the self is something that hardly changes, which often leads to avoiding challenges and a defensive attitude towards failure. Dweck shows that our beliefs about our self-image determine how we deal with learning and development, and thus whether our self continues to develop or gets stuck in limitations.

The mindset theory emphasizes that not only our characteristics are developable but also our beliefs about the changeability of our characteristics. Both our self and our self-beliefs are therefore dynamic.

The Self in Self-Determination Theory: Autonomy and Authenticity

Edward Deci and Richard Ryan's Self-Determination Theory ( SDT) describes the self as a process that is continuously shaped by the integration of experiences, values, and beliefs. As in mindset theory, the self is seen as something that is constantly developing, but the focus here is on how autonomy is central to experiencing an authentic self. When people act autonomously, that is, based on their own values ​​and beliefs, they experience their choices as authentic. In SDT, autonomy is an essential condition for experiencing a true, authentic self.

When we act on the basis of our own beliefs, we feel that our self is congruent with our choices. In contrast, the feeling of alienation can arise when external pressures cause us to act in a way that does not fit with who we are. The SDT emphasizes that autonomy does not so much mean freedom from external influences , but rather the ability to integrate external influences into our self in a way that fits with our own values.

The Self According to Douglas Hofstadter: A 'Strange Loop'

Cognitive scientist Douglas Hofstadter offers a more abstract approach to the self. In his book I Am a Strange Loop, he introduces the idea that the self is not a fixed object, but a dynamic process of self-reflection. He calls this process a " strange loop ," a loop in which our brains continually return to themselves and reevaluate themselves.

Hofstadter sees the self as a complex and iterative system of self-awareness. Imagine a loop, like a circle that goes around and around, but each time something changes. Every time we think about who we are, we are reflecting on our thoughts and experiences anew, and in doing so our self evolves. What makes this loop strange is that it is not a simple repetition: every time we think about ourselves, our self-image changes a little. This process continues endlessly and is the source of our sense of “I.” Our self-awareness is thus not a fixed thing, but a constantly changing pattern of reflection and awareness.

What makes Hofstadter's approach unique is his idea of ​​empathy. When we feel empathy for others, we are actually trying to understand a piece of their 'strange loop'. We are not only reflecting on our own self, but also taking in a part of the self of others. This adds a social dimension to our self: it is partly shaped by our relationships and interactions with others.

The concept of the internal coach: a voice you can develop

In my book Tegenslag Benutten (Using Adversity) I introduced the concept of the internal coach. This internal coach can be imagined as an internal voice, an entity that you can actively develop to help you deal with setbacks and guide yourself in your personal development.

The internal coach operates at a meta-level, meaning that it enables you to not only assess your actions, but also to reflect on the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that drive these actions. It helps you to observe yourself from a distance and become aware of your own thought processes. This allows you to change not only your behavior, but also your underlying mental patterns. Through this reflection at a higher level (meta-level), you gain more control over how you think, react and learn from situations.

This coach asks questions such as: “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I deal with this better?” He helps you to use setbacks and look at yourself objectively through self-distancing – the ability to observe yourself from a distance, like a coach looks at a client. This makes self-coaching effective, because it allows you to distance yourself from negative emotions and look at your situation more objectively. Self-coaching has several attractive advantages. It is always available, can be used anywhere and is cheaper than hiring an external coach. Three skills are needed to make self-coaching successful:

  • Self-distancing: the ability to look at yourself and your situation from a distance. You look at your situation as if from a third-person perspective, which makes it easier to act wisely.
  • Knowledge and skills: have psychological knowledge and techniques to coach yourself effectively.
  • Self-compassion: being gentle with yourself when faced with setbacks.

The internal coach not only helps you to distance yourself and evaluate your own behavior, but also offers tools to persevere in difficult circumstances. The coach helps you to apply the insights from the three discussed theories in practice: by developing a growth mindset, strengthening autonomy and constantly evaluating and adapting yourself. The coach is therefore not a tool for self-development.

The Practical Importance of Understanding the Self

The concept of the self has direct practical implications for our daily lives. Whether we are learning to cope with adversity, making better choices, or showing empathy for others, a better understanding of the self helps us to act more effectively. By realizing that the self is not a fixed object but a dynamic process, we can coach ourselves to grow and develop, even in difficult circumstances. The idea of ​​an internal coach enhances this development by helping us consciously reflect and take action that aligns with our values ​​and goals.

 

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